Not an easy place to be

switchy and poly

2010-04-19T21:23:33Z

Woo!

Last night was such an odd night. We were at Beyond - a fetish night in the Midlands. hamster has a small crush on one of the house dommes (and I am the other - so it goes without saying really).

Missy had said she'd play with her, and I was busy with someone who'd asked to play.

We've been poly all along, and although she has played with other people, she's never really been intimate with them.

Missy knows hamster has a crush on her - she's not subtle, and they both had carte blanche from me. I had my kit near where hamster was so whenever I was changing toy I was up close. I also had them in my line of vision a fair bit.

I looked up at one point, to see Miss sitting on hamster, with her teeth around hamster's nipple. I don't know what I expected to feel, the first time I saw something like that, but mostly, it just made me laugh. I kept an eye on them, because I wanted to monitor my own responses to it, but mostly concentrated on my sub of the moment. There was a point where Missy was tickling hamster's feet, and then punishing her by doing something I know she hates, when she moved. I laughed out loud and carried on.

She (hamster) came to see me afterwards, all bouncy and excited. It was very sweet.

The night was a really good night - we had lots of fun. Missy had a singletail, and after watching what she did to someone else, I really wanted to be on the receiving end. It was a quiet night by then, with no one really around where we were, and boots the organiser isn't such a snob that he's unhappy to let switches be switches, even if they are his house dommes, so for the second time ever, I played as a sub in front of hamster. first time ever at that club.

I could have stayed on for some time. I'm a little stripey today.

I want to be able to talk to someone 'in real' about it, but don't really have that many poly friends. lots of acquaintances and people who'd get it, but none I'd necessarily like to spill my inner-most feelings to.

Today with hamster felt lovely. we talked about it sporadically - it felt fine for her too, and we'd *all* like to do it again. It's just finding the time...

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the daily blah

2010-01-22T19:49:43Z

I always make at least half an attempt to make resolutions, and this year, much as last, were to post more, and eat less. so far, they seem to have somewhat reversed themselves, for whilst I haven't managed to post particularly, I'm certainly managing to eat!

But, leaves have been turned over. I'm very much enjoying my new house. I am forever indebted to being_here and her husband for letting me stay with them, but it feels so lovely to have somewhere that's mine.

I'm in my room, on my bed (which is broken, and being held up by a pile of books. Luckily, I have a lot of books). The bed is packed under there, there is bear fur, stuffing, knitting, more stuffing, yarn, and probably the same again.

I am happy. I love a mile and 3/4 from work, and walk every day. Somehow, I think that this should make me fitter than I am, but never mind; it's still exercise.

Tonight, I made belly pork in white sauce with vegetables, and tagliatelle. It was brilliant. I even turned down an offer of KFC from my housemate, which makes me very proud. Last night I made leek and sweet potato soup. Tomorrow will be some kind of soup with carrots and broccoli (because that's what I have), and a hangover I suspect.

We're off to the pub in a bit for C's birthday. It'll be interesting. Apparently, ella's now dating another of C's exes (I say another; ella is also an ex of C), the same ex that tried to kiss me in the pub two years ago on C's birthday. They will both be there tonight. When C told me they were together, my first thought was "really?" I just can't see it. But it didn't hurt. And that's the main thing. And I wish them happiness.

The job continues to be much of a muchness. It earns me money, and they're happy with me.
The degree is good in bits, and bad in others. I'm getting decent marks - I'm hoping for a distinction, but the organisation is awful and I feel like I'm fighting every step of the way. But I have an essay just handed in, and my ethics proposal in, and now I have four assignments and my dissertation left.

Overall in my day to day life, I'm happy.

hamster and I have developed a 'writing to each other' thing. proper snail mail. We have a week from receipt of the letter to respond, plus whatever amount of days we see each other. So if I got her letter yesterday and I was seeing her this weekend, I'd have a week to thurs, plus three days. It's working really well. I have a little box full of letters and cards, and so does she. it's something nice to have when we're not together.

she's still trying to move here and there are still no jobs. this is annoying, but not the end of the world. This is the first weekend we've not been together since nov 28th, and although it's always supposed to have been every other weekend, it degenerated a little. it should be back to normal now.

I miss her a bit, but then I'm glad of the space too, and I can always talk to her if I want to :o)

So, that is my long ramble for the day. I shall try to be better.

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Dreams

2009-10-09T10:38:28Z

So, night one of dreams. I think part of me is really out to get me, because i rarely have sex dreams, and when I do, they're fairly uncomplicated. But I feel like I had them all night last night. Luckily I can only remember one, which was odd.

hamster's penis.
No pre-amble, hamster had a large penis, and was naked with it. someone else of indeterminate gender was very close to her, also naked, trying to show her that she could self-fellate, which she could. Then when i looked down, i realised she was trying to get me to put a finger into her vagina, which i did. end of dream.

The beach
Hamster and i were walking along a promenade high above a beach. there were people surfing on 20ft waves, but the waves didn't appear to be coming in close - just the same as average-height waves. Set back in the beach was a bowl shape with a flat bottom, and a person in an electric wheelchair was in it. He had no way to get out, but didn't seem worried. A car as going to get him. It drove slowly off the edge of the prom and surfed down the beach, pulling right at the last moment, and ending up in the bowl. At that point, I lost interest, beyond wondering how it would get back, and the dream faded.

In a related dream, hamster and I were standing in an old wooden drive-in bus garage, and a lot of buses were coming in. we were behind a bit of wood and i thought we had about a foot spare of space but we didn't, and someone urged us to leave sidewys. we went out a window and found people piling up sofas and settees.

the person in the wheelchair.
I was back at the person in the wheelchair. he had a table, and some little workbooks. He told me that he was a multiple, and that he had three child alters of three, and him. and every day, someone left him worksheets for the children to do, one for each. and they did them and went away. But they never learnt cos they weren't being taught. I felt sad, and thought someone should just talk to them.

3 alters at 3, one adult. alone

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The transpersonal

2009-10-08T21:50:56Z

I have to keep a transpersonal journal for my degree.. It shall be here.

It includes a dream diary. Be prepared!

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New adventures of Polyanna

2009-09-17T18:30:09Z

So,

I have a job in a sex shop. We'd gone in, looking for something, and I happened to ask if he was hiring. He was. So now I have a job there. It's minimum wage and part-time, but at least it's a job!

More than that, I get staff discount *grins* (here's hoping!)

And I'm very excited; I'm going out to play at oblivion on friday, which involves, me, the hamster and a

( Error: Irreparable invalid markup in entry. Raw contents behind the cut. )

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sex and bdsm

2009-08-25T22:31:34Z

I keep getting approached by men who want to play. Despite my profile saying I'm a lesbian.

( in which there is BDSM and sex )

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And it all disappeared

2009-08-24T15:35:00Z

I started writing something on LJ, figured it would be better here, copied it, closed the window, and then copied something else. Now I can't be bothered to go back and re-open it to see if it's in the cache.

I am interrupted in my thoughts by an ancestry email from a woman demanding that i tell her why i have certain people in my tree; am i related to them?

I have replied that yes, I am, as I have told her before, when I have also told her that she has lifted and created incorrect information about my parents, grandparents and greatgrandparents. MY great grandmother never married my great grandfather. as far as I know, she did not divorce from her first husband (and i don't know where her children went). This lady looked up the marriages for GGM, and found one, and assumed it must be my GGF. It's not. There's a much more interesting story in there somewhere :D

This is not what I had come here to write, but increasingly, I am being drawn back to the world of my family tree. I have not touched it in the year that I have been in the land where I can easily get to 75% of what I need, and now I have left, I want to get involved all over again.

I think it is to do with a big part of me wanting to settle down. hamster has an interview for her MA as we speak. It's 2 years part time, much like mine. I want her to get it; it will give her purpose in a job that is hard work. On the other hand, if she didn't get it, she would be free(er) to move closer to me. And the fortnight we've spent together has only made me see that I could spend a very long time with this woman, in closer proximity than we have done hitherto.

Being with her does feel like coming home.

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work, or not work. and life. (no 'not life')

2009-06-25T21:59:53Z

Wow. It's less than three weeks until I no longer have a job. And less than four before I take up residence in the spare room of the fabulous being_here for a short time.

I'm happy to be out of there, although the atmosphere hasn't been nearly as bad as it could be, but terrified out of my wits; what if i can't find a job? what if i can only get something awful? what if moving back proves to be awful?

It's been a year since i left, and I've changed a good deal in that time. I've only seen some of my friends once or twice since then. I don't know that they know me any more. some of them i think, still see me as the pitiful, suicidal mess i was when i left.

I keep getting lectures from my friends, some of them, telling me that i can't possibly do poly, and that for someone who doesn't like drama, i attract a lot of it. On making light of that (because frankly, I don't believe that falling in love with someone and they you, but it not aworking out, is drama), I get told i have to take responsibility.

This from the girl who believed that I would never survive confronting A in january. she said she would do it (in the same circumstances) but she was strong. *I* would just fall apart and it would do me no good. It was the best thing i did, to be fair.

I just hate that my friends feel they can judge me on my life choices. The irony of it is that BOTH of them have cheated on their partners. More than once. I have never done that. And they think it's ok to tell me that my life isn't ok, whilst continuing theirs.

I am strong. My relationship with hamster is fabulous. We're looking at other people to play with, and we know exactly what boundaries we have; what's allowed, what's not. And yes, I did start badly. I fell for someone who couldn't cope with me being poly. And we both desperately wanted it to work, but we couldn't do it. I didn't lie to anyone, but I did always feel like I had a secret. And this time (potential time) I won't. I refuse to put her, or me back in that position.

Although I've been poly in my head for a long time, my first relationship/s were end of last year, a V. hamster and i survived, ella and i didn't. But we'll be friends. I hope.

And T's "I know you, you'll get drunk, she'll get drunk, etc etc" is bull. I've never gone out, got drunk and taken anyone home. I have more respect for me, and for ella. Whilst you know, I'd LOVE to think that we could do that, we can't. Our hearts are too caught up. We'll never have a friendship that's workable if sex is involved.

Why do my friends think that they have any kind of right to judge?

All rhetorical. I understand that I'm whinging. Just tired, and waiting for work to be over. And a little scared of my future..

Overall, I'm actually really happy. things are good with hamster and I. the weather's fabulous. The job's nearly over *grins*

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poly comes to me..

2009-05-31T08:19:40Z

hehe

In all the time I've been actively pursuing the poly route to my relationships (aside from when i became "the other woman", let's not go there) I've not had to deal with my lover having other lovers.

Since the hamster and I have been together, I've seen another woman (sadly, stumbled from the start, and died when she found out that i tied up one of our mutual friends, hmmm) and also we've played with others with no sexual content, this year, we have either mostly been together, or both working.

She decided (and rightly so) that work had taken enough of her time this year, and went out with friends last night, which is great. She texted me at some point to tell me her housemate was calling her a slut (in the best possible way) and i replied and said that i know she loves me, and as far as i am concerned she is free to do as she wishes :o) She replied and said she knew that, and also that housemate saw her grinning at the text (and that she'd never told him about the poly, a fact i didn't know (and some might consider important, as we've met several times. That's a matter for discussion!)

It honestly *doesn't* bother me if she did find a cute girl last night and took her home, on one level at least, but she is a mono girl coming into a poly relationship, and i guess part of me is scared that she'll decide she wants mono (and simple) over poly, and leave. But then, she was also a vanilla girl going into a kinky relationship, and she's really not vanilla.

I guess what i want, is for that first time to be over. For her to come to me and say "there was this cute girl out last night, we talked, we kissed, we had sex (whatever happened) and it was good, i liked it, and here i still am"

Existential crisis, wishing my girlfriend would go out and get laid, by someone else. *laughs*

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Ppl r stoopid. And should be shot.

2009-05-25T16:11:38Z

Work today. I knew it would be bad from the moment i realised that Ant would be sitting on my row. She's a boor and I've disliked her since my first (and only) interaction with her.

IT's very quiet at work. people tend to read. And given that the collective IQ of call centres is not known for its great heights, they tend to read trashy magazines. And so i heard, in the dulcit tones of the boor: "He's paying for a vagina by being a bikini model".

My supervisor replied with "she's a she".
"No, he's a he".

At this point I piped up "No, SHE, is a she".

"he's a he".

I lost my temper then (i'd have been more patient with someone i liked) and pretty much shouted at her saying "she's a she, and don't even try going there with me".

"He's a he, he's got a male body".

"and in her head, she's a woman, she just doesn't quite have the body to match yet".

"he's a he".

"So, you judge people on what they look like, do you?" (pertinent; she must weigh over 20stone)

"No, I don't judge people at all".

"so, she's a she then."

She had no comeback. I'm sure i was bitched about after i left the room, but frankly, i don't care.

I just don't get how people can sit and say "I don't judge", whilst making a judgement. And about something they know nothing about.

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The reply...

2009-05-24T17:14:43Z

"Thank you for your honesty, and your feedback on our policy. To a large extent i very much agree with everything you've said. It is the atmosphere and environment we are trying to protect for women who, some of them, would be very much threatened by the prescence of a 'man'. Definitions of sexuality and gender are so difficult! We remain open to feedback, and if we decide to review our policy we will let you know."

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Tipping the velvet.

2009-05-23T20:45:08Z

Well, having seen the Tipping the Velvet post on IC, motivated me to write to them and urge again a more inclusive policy. I expect it will fall on deaf ears, but after having read the policy and the exchange between them and another member, it felt like the right thing to do.

Back to psychology now!

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Sitting, watching

2009-05-23T17:39:35Z

Today i moved my things from my sister's house. She's been storing them for me and she's moving, so i have to move them. This in itself is absolutely fine. It's her house, her space and she's free to do what she wants with it.

But (and you knew there was a but, right?), she's moving out of her house (in a town already 30 minutes from where she works) to a flat in a town 30 minutes further away. Even this i don't take issue with. But she's moving to be with a man. And she's moving from her house, that she owns (and renting her house out at a loss) because said man refuses to set foot in her house. Because she's had other men in it. I am guessing that she's had perhaps three men there as a MAXIMUM in the time she's lived there. She turned 29 today. It's not a huge amount of people, but he won't go in the house. What's more, she's not taking a single piece of furniture, and he has none, as he's moving out of the house he's been sharing with his wife.

He's a controlling man. He doesn't like her history (which believe me, is far far less extensive than mine and I'm only 2 years older) and I saw the texts he sent her about them. Any person who called *me* a "fucken whore" would be gone at the point i received the text. But he "loves" her, and he's "sorry" and that's ok (we won't mention that this continued for a good few weeks). So they're moving in together, to another property an hour's drive from where they both work to make "a fresh start".

She was supposed to be out tonight with friends to celebrate. She cancelled as she doesn't have much money. She's gone out with him instead.

He refuses to meet my brother. I don't know why. (I suspect it's cos he's aware D doesn't like him). She cancelled her facebook account because she "never used it". She used to be on it every day. And my brother says that she checks facebook on his laptop, cos he looks at his history.

He *made* her stop smoking. not for health reasons, but because *he* doesn't want to be seen out with a smoker. It goes on.

What scares me the most is that she's an average size woman. *he* is about 6'4 of solid muscle. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, and that he's 'taking her away' really scares me. *really* scares me.

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Inaugaural post

2009-05-18T22:26:22Z

complete with bad spelling. Feel free to ignore. Just playing :D

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